Feeling Behind in Life: Mastering Mimetic Desire and Reclaiming Your Path

Table of Contents

Understanding Why We Feel Behind 📉

Mimetic Desire: The Hidden Force Behind Your Wants 💭

At the heart of why we feel behind lies mimetic desire. A theory developed by philosopher René Girard, mimetic desire explains how humans imitate the desires of others. Simply put, what you want is heavily influenced by the people around you — their achievements, possessions, and aspirations.

Here’s an example: imagine your friend is promoted to a managerial role, earning $220,000. Outwardly, you’re happy for them, but part of you starts to question why you’re not making six figures or holding a prestigious title. Mimetic desire subtly shifts your goals, even when those goals might not align with your values.

Two Worlds That Shape Our Desires 🌍

“Celebristan”: This is the realm of influencers, celebrities, and public figures. While you might admire them, their successes generally don’t make you feel inadequate because their world feels far removed from yours.
“Freshmanistan”: This is your immediate circle — friends, classmates, coworkers, and family. These are the people whose accomplishments can easily spark mimetic desire because their achievements feel directly comparable to yours.

💡 Quick Tip: Reflect on where your desires come from. Ask: Am I chasing this goal for me or because someone else influenced me?

Differentiating “Thick” vs. “Thin” Desires

The Rock vs. the Ripple 🪨💧

Burgis divides desires into two types:

Thick desires represent long-standing, deeply rooted aspirations (e.g., a love for teaching that’s endured since childhood). These often bring genuine fulfillment.
Thin desires are surface-level and fleeting, driven by external influences like social media or societal expectations.

A Tale of Two Desires: Real-Life Examples

Ali Abdaal, the video’s narrator, shares a clear distinction in his own life:

Thick Desire: Teaching. Since childhood, he’s found joy in empowering others through learning.
Thin Desire: Building a $10-million business. Whenever he attends entrepreneurship conferences, he feels pressured to aim for massive financial success — something that fades after a few days.

💡 Practical Exercise:

Journal or reflect on this prompt: Would I still want this goal even if nobody would ever know I achieved it?
Identify an activity in your life that made you feel genuinely fulfilled and examine why.

Breaking Free from External Influence

Naming Your Michelin Stars 🌟

Just as acclaimed chefs strive for Michelin stars as symbols of success, we all have personal “Michelin stars” — badges of accomplishment we seek, often without questioning their value. These might include promotions, wealth, marriage, or accolades.

Two Contrasting Stories: Success vs. Fulfillment

Chef Bernard Loiseau: A renowned chef whose fear of losing a Michelin star led to his tragic death. His identity was tied entirely to his external achievements.
Chef Marco Pierre White: The youngest chef to receive three Michelin stars, but he later returned them to pursue freedom and true happiness, rejecting the pressures of external validation.

💡 Practical Tool: Write down your personal “stars.” Then ask:

Are these aligned with my thick desires?
Am I chasing these because they truly matter to me or because they’re celebrated by others?

Setting Boundaries with Unhealthy Models 🚧

Types of Boundaries You Can Create:

Digital Boundaries: Unfollow or mute accounts that spark unhealthy comparisons or desires. For example, if luxury cars and watches make you feel inadequate, cleanse your feed of such content.
Mental Boundaries: Whenever you sense envy or feel “behind,” ask yourself: Why is this triggering me? Am I chasing my own dreams or mimicking someone else?
Environmental Boundaries: Limit exposure to people who consistently make you feel less than. Your immediate circle plays a significant role in shaping desires.

💡 Quick Action Step: Curate your social media intentionally. Follow people or communities who inspire contentment or personal growth, not stress-inducing comparison.

The Flywheel of Positive Desires 🔄

Here’s great news: while mimetic desire can lead to unhealthy competition, it can also inspire positive change when directed appropriately.

Building Your Momentum

Imagine this sequence:

You desire to get fit because a friend took up a workout program.
That desire motivates better eating habits and healthier sleep schedules.
As a result, your energy increases, enabling you to excel in other areas of life.

This is a flywheel of positive desires — where the pull of mimetic desire works in your favor rather than against you.

💡 Practical Tip:
If envy arises, reframe it as inspiration. Ask yourself: How can this person’s achievement motivate me toward a positive, authentic goal?

Journaling: A Proactive Tool for Clarity

Journaling helps untangle thick desires from thin ones:

Who influences what I want? Think about your social and professional circles (Freshmanistan).
What goals or milestones have I adopted because of others?
What achievements have triggered feelings of falling behind?

For a tech-savvy journaling experience, Ali Abdaal suggests using VoicePal, his AI-powered journaling app. Use its guided frameworks to uncover hidden motivations and refine your goals.

Unlocking True Fulfillment

Rethinking Goal Selection 🧭

Luke Burgis highlights an overlooked truth: our obsession with setting goals often overshadows the importance of choosing the right ones. Poorly chosen goals, especially those shaped by thin desires, can become traps for dissatisfaction.

Key Reflection: What if you were directing your efforts toward someone else’s dream instead of your own?

Resource Toolbox 🛠️

Here are valuable resources to deepen your understanding and help you take actionable steps:

📘 Wanting: The Power of Mimetic Desire in Everyday Life − The book behind these insights. Discover the science and strategies to combat unhealthy desires.
🧠 Brilliant − An educational platform featuring interactive lessons in topics like AI, math, and programming to fuel personal growth.
✍️ VoicePal − A journaling app designed to untangle your thoughts and clarify your goals.
📕 Feel-Good Productivity − Ali’s New York Times bestselling book dives into achieving joy and balance while being productive.
📓 Ali’s Free Journaling Hub − A treasure trove of prompts curated for reflecting on meaningful desires and goals.

Reclaiming Your Race 🏁

Life isn’t about an arbitrary finish line or running someone else’s race. By focusing on your thick desires, setting boundaries with unhealthy models, and embracing positive flywheels of motivation, you can transform that nagging sense of “falling behind” into a deep satisfaction with your unique journey.

✨ Final Insight: The next time you feel behind, pause. Ask yourself: Am I running toward my own finish line? If not, take that courageous step to realign.

🔗 For a deeper dive into related topics, check out Ali Abdaal’s discussion on feeling lost in life and finding direction in the video linked here.